"uh-oh: frost warning" or "You are passionless, Stoic, and emotionaly numb."

its a little out of sync but frasier and Lilith are animals.
(1) http://youtube.com/watch?v=7IlzvzpyI_g
(2) http://youtube.com/watch?v=cHXkPSFoHPg
(3) http://youtube.com/watch?v=u0ogPuip5y4
its really diane though

the internet is carazy.
last night i stayed up watching old family ties, cosby show and he-man episodes.
i was thinking i wonder how much youre brain takes in from the subtle plots of these kind of shows , dynamics of family etc, how much you watch and how it could affect a young persons brain and their view of the world. heman didnt show much even though i remember watching that when i was very young. but family ties and alex p keaton was always a favorite of mine ad now that im almost 30 its really funny to watch the show and see what i liked watching even at a young age.
The Real Thing:
(1) http://youtube.com/watch?v=cl9NFBLZBVY
(2) http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y3VIBfZ8UCk
(3) http://youtube.com/watch?v=-2rgmWO_gcc
(4) http://youtube.com/watch?v=L5vNR2tDXiw
(5) http://youtube.com/watch?v=90c0NCqrZkU (6)http://youtube.com/watch?v=V0mYBUb7VRk
(7)http://youtube.com/watch?v=URAwNYib9os
(8) http://youtube.com/watch?v=smbHfp-0cJE

My name is Alex:
(1) http://youtube.com/watch?v=kQAsd6_OXRI
(2) http://youtube.com/watch?v=VOuZl8C-K30
(3) http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ky5Az_nJeAQ
(4) http://youtube.com/watch?v=UdmaWATdevo
(5) http://youtube.com/watch?v=yyEsuSY8_Dg
(6) http://youtube.com/watch?v=wkfQBsySNdI
(7) to be continued...

This is why i trust kids.

It's it. now.

I cant believe it. It makes want to scream out into the darkness past my window.
"!!!!!!!"
I have a computer again! With speakers! And the internet works bettr somehwat, perhaps cause of the stronger Airport card. God it feels so good, M US SICCCC!!!!
The closest thing I could think of that would match the hart was The Plastic Mastery
http://www.myspace.com/plasticmastery
Miles Away
look! links!! I also think of that part in Imagine when John and Yoko are walking through tittenhurst and hes speaking so hopefully about the 80s. The 70s were a drag but we made it, let's try and make the 80s better. 'And its just going to be so great..' Aww fuck YEAH. I paid rent today after a brief encounter with Anthony. Our anger breathes in and out in sync its sorta nice to get angry at someone then we both back down and just move on until the next time. I spent all day exchanging files from one computer, last night was the straw. I'll spare the story but god, it can get so complicated sometimes. This is why the best things in life are simple. If it's real, its usually simple and if it's simple, it's true. - thats john lennon too. Jose just pounded on my door and delivered the goods. I havent smoked in awhile since the plan's been underway. New bank account with new money. New computer with new music, new hope. New job and when I go back I know its gonna be different. I just cant believe that I get to hear music again. I heard Saturday Looks Good to Me, thenew album on K, which I wanted to buy but didnt know if i wanted to shell out 11 or so on an album i didnt know yet, something i would have done when i was younger but these days of living less, it was harder to splurge. Talked to mandy today and we shared the same ____. about feeling bored all the time and wanting to leave and how one place can be hard and cumbersome / how i asked about running away with the circus so i could always be on the move. i think thats what really scares me about this place, especially it being so damn tiny, just that when theres less people around theres just more to fuck up. more to get bored of too. its exhausting being expected to watch your social manners all the time. manner police are everywhere here. i wanna be surprised. surprise me san francisco, come on. do something besides the boring predictables. make some good art, ive seen your art, lets just say "ehh". if i see another gallery opening with hanging bicycle parts im gonna shit on he floor right then and there. ill do it! break the ice. im so over the aging hipster crowd and all that crap. its nice to hear someone else thinks the same. i dont feel so over (the hill). i got a message on my old LASTFM profile sent like this past monday : that a guy in england worked on another of my songs. AWESOME!! what better message could you get after returning to the internet. mandy was published too and she told me about a guy in brooklyn i might have known whos doing shit too. it all makes me feel so happy that there IS still a scene for the real kids. its still alive, its just where it should be. i wanna keep making music, i was listening to a new besties song, theyre fuckin awesome. unselfconscious pop. all this makes me so hopeful and so not so alone, its fuckin awesome. if i go to england its nice to know i got a place i can stay , thats a nice feeling. helping each other and the like but on a grander scale and for a bigger purpose than ourselves.
it really makes my heart crumple like paper. its been a tough year "but thats all gone now. thats over now."
Saturday Looks Good to Me - Make a Plan
ok time to hit it. hellll yeah!!!!

SCENES.
- berwick
- new hampton
- boston
-portland
-san francisco at 25
- columbus
- busses
- cars
i was talking to t about a certain happening that happened this past year and remembered my book i wanna end up writing, Morality Mortality & Me. i need to start collecting/writing scenes to remember.

Extras Season One
The idea that the second record is gonna flop is one of the rites of passage for an artist
, sorta like turning 30 and the whole midlife crisis, or adolescence. theres nothing you can do about it. though, you can make the best out of what ya got. in ricky gervais' case and his partner stepehen merchant, they sorta follow the vincent gallo version of evolution and with the s-u-c-c-e-s-s of the Office world wide, make an even more challenging introspection. when i first saw this i immediately equated the office as sorta having the spirit of the 20s and extras was definitely more adult and 30s. i dont even want to watch the second season cause i heard there's a christmas special that just came out about a week ago so dont buy this tillthey sell the first second and xmas special , like they did the office, in the coming year. i hope its good. this show pretty much gives you a finely tuned version of awkardness you got from the office, theres plenty of oh my gods and ups n downs. my favorite show is the last one and the premise of andy's bbc show is simply fuckin genius. rent it.

Curb Your Enthusiasm season 4
after the third season i was sorta left with a sore taste in my mouth, all of the sudden larry david had become sort of an asshole. before in the 1st and second seasons, i felt like he was a victim of circumstance, but in the third season he sorta got himself into trouble. ehh. the fourth season though is an awesome balance of his new asshole-ness and being fucked by life again and again. plus it has the Wandering Bear show which i dont know if i laughed so hard in my life when i first saw it, INDIANS ARE FUNNY dont rent this from the library cause it skips and i didnt even get to watch it this time around but maybe its good that way too. " not good, better."
EPILOGUE i sat down and rubbed on the dvd for a good couple hours so i could watch Wandering bear cure the Numb Vagina, and also remembered this season is worth it for that show and The Survivor show. SO FUNNY

p.s. its a interesting observation that ben stiller is in both of these series, both are i guess sorta on the intellectual side of humor, or least in the league of NEW humor. at least a few years back. i always thought neil hamburger and the office went hand in hand then curb your enthusiasm was the show with a masters degree. strangers with candy also fit in there early on with stephen colbert - also finds himself in this season of curb your enthusiam - writing the bulk of the spoken humor that now is sorta commonspeak. "my toys are not play things!"

Reasons why 2008 will be the best year ever.

last year:
lost my car
roommate died
friend died (max)
teeth pulled
broken computer speakers and hence no new music
lost internet
stove
furniture/ bed = my room, a years time building
paypal account closed (because of internet fruad)
almost evicted, twice
got bed bugs
lost super films of the past four or so years
unemployed ~ no money

it can't get any worse, i still got yellow bike and records ha!
i got a swell new job, it pays weekly so im gonna have some money in my pocket. ive been fine tuning my shopping skills so if i do go on sprees i feel like im a little more responsible.the musics been going good too, just sorta learning the craft and every song i learn something new and old. im getting closer to telling strangers i have this hobby. getting closer to the sound im looking for. its out there; the worlds an open canvas. Anything can happen. i do believe in that still. in the next month im gonna get a new computer that way i can listen to music again and not have to keep buying records without hearing them and hear NEW. im gonna get internet in my room like before and change my phone plan so i dont have to keep paying every week. first big goal is CAR. theres no ifs ands or buts about it. theres too much of california and the west to just sit in my room and let it all pass me by. plus im feeling so suffocated in one place. i need to be moving. plus it makes me feel more my age. there aint nothing wrong with being old and "normal". i think its one of my new dreams to be "normal". i hate that word. maybe smart is overrated too. im glad i got through this past year, my friends tell me it was hard, which is nice to hear and not think youre just feeling sorry for yourself. its bullshit that i dont need anybody. i need people around just as much as anybody, maybe more. i keep getting told by people in my past life i am a people person but ive never felt further from them (people) than this year. i dont like it. they say you gotta be open for things to happen, i dont know if i believe in that - things will happen anyway - but im ready for some positive changes to come my way, even by any stroke of luck from my own hands. its so cold here i love it. just get past new years and wait a little longer for whats around the corner. it will be alright and in a month or two ill look back and be thankful ive only had a couple bad years in my life. maybe itll make a good story or something.

Happy Endings
I saw this with my sister when I lived with her. It’s a really nice feeling to see a good new movie; Hope. French new wave but sorta modern altman too. Even scenes where they have a song play over a montage of scenes arent the worst idea. Complicated times that tie themselves into a simple knot by the end. There’s some sweet moments in bed but they don’t last long.

Urban Cowboy
Ah yes, the continuing story of Bud and Sissy, we all know this one. After I saw this movie a year or two ago, I realized COWBOYS ARE PUNKS. Debra Winger looks good riding a bull, and J Travolta plays the troubled hero like an old brown shoe, but it’s the story that takes center stage. Love, lust, jealousy, oil refineries, honky tonks, even Bonnie Rait thrown in for good measure makes this movie so easy to watch over and over. And even though I’ve seen it a bunch of times, it still grabs me right through to the last scene. One best told love stories of this Modern Age, along with The last picture show: both from texas; barebones n simple- “not dumb, just simple.”

Fanny and Alexander
Bergman’s swan song to everything cinema and human. We need drama for things to work out. The imagination of our children guides us through the human darkness. Ghosts live on and birth’s are celebrated at banquets. This fim is as rich in its environments as Scenes from a Marriage was in its emotional quotient. Grand Scale is just how Bergman rolls and it reminds me of Kenneth Brannagh’s Hamlet who must have been inspired by this epic. I can’t even see bothering with the regular movie version so when you rent it remember to rent the Televsion Version, all 5 or so hours, its worth your time.

Its hard to watch a good band die.

"i dont feel like chatting", right on the fuckin head, that's all it is. stop talk

fuck the front

http://www.blogmaverick.com/2006/07/12/the-internet-is-old-news-and-boring-deal-with-it/

back in the day i owned two of these, knowing theyd be worth a lot. then i sold both of them during the backlash and for rent , ,, and now....
http://cgi.ebay.com/The-Strokes-Is-This-It-Lp-Banned-Cover-Album-Vinyl_W0QQitemZ230203308469QQihZ013QQcategoryZ306QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

http://cgi.ebay.com/Jimmy-Eat-World-Clarity-2x-LP-OOP-Get-Up-Kids-Sealed_W0QQitemZ330195036122QQihZ014QQcategoryZ306QQrdZ1QQssPageNameZWD1VQQcmdZViewItem?_trksid=p1638.m118

http://cgi.ebay.com/Furutech-DVF-1-Record-Flattener-Fixes-Warp-records-New_W0QQitemZ170156599980QQihZ007QQcategoryZ306QQrdZ1QQssPageNameZWD1VQQcmdZViewItem?_trksid=p1638.m118

The Changling
Stars george c scott. Another movie about a haunted house. Music boxes I guess are scary theyre in this one and Burnt Offerings. Also drowning kids is popular . first build up was scary but no huge pay off of the kid crippled like in pet sematary. Wolf eyes dvd was scarier.

Wolf Eyes – Covered in Bugs
I owned this a few years back but after a trip to la, it had been stolen from my room along with a bunch of other shit. Shit sucked. But slowly and surely im getting the stuff back somehow. This DVD is as crazy as I remembered it, ‘wolf eyes rule!’ they do stabbed in the face Live, fuck yeah pass the bowl.

I Shot Andy Warhol
I saw this movie awhile back and it fuckin rules. It still fucking rules. Its really just about lilly taylor. Oh and Martha plimpton. oh and yo la tengo. All that shit sorta reminds me of driving around in daina’s car with washing machine in the tape deck,.Portsmouth. in the fall. this movie reminds me of way back when.

The Royal Tenenbaums
Sorta what terror twilight could have been in it’s the mark of the end of an era. When wes Anderson went for the gold after rushmore. All of the sudden gene hackaman? Come on, two years before hes making bottlerocket? I don’t think so. This was the last of his good movies and he sorta pulls out his mission thesis and blows his load. Which is fine, its just, then what? I saw this movie five times in the theaters I liked it so much. This movie contains on of the hottest lines ever written: So I guess we’ll have to be secretly in love with each other etc…



The Fly
I think this must have proved beyond a doubt Cronenberg is the master of the new sci fi. Jeff Goldblum is awesome, the action starts right away within the first 10 mins and really doesn’t stop until the finale when we’re faced with the reality that some things have to die. Lots of gore, a dark score and one of the best arm wrestling scenes since Over the Top, I wonder if this was one of the ultimate popcorn movies in its day.

A conversation i had with the post office lady went something like this.

after hearing i was from peru and not from mexico or an eskimo, she told me
'that means you dont have to play instruments',
why not?
'cause you guys have that flute thing'.
a pan flute?
'yeah'
'and you guys sacraficed people, like apocolyptico'
apoctowhat?!
' dont you know your history?! you know sacraficing and stuff'
yeah well so you know, im adopted
'by white parents?'
yeah, by whitey.
'oh, did people think they stole you?'
i never thought of that before.
'were they jewish?'
what?
'were they jewish?'
no
'so they were good..?'
yes, they were not jewish And good. where are you from?
'phillipines...but i think i was a polar bear in my past life cause im scared of the water and i eat tunafish everyday.'
i do too!
well i gotta go, but im looking forward to talking to you later, tell me some stories.
'i got stories to tell'
i bet you do, and im gonna record them. lets make a cd. ok i gotta get outta here before i lose my mind. bye!
'bye!'

makin money makin money makin money.
"maybe i should write down how much i make a day so i can look at it any time of the day and smile to myself"

re: reviews, returns, rrr

King Kong
I liked this one, it sorta reminded me of a neo classic. It also balanced high paced movie going with some real issues about love and human nature. The way Naomi Watts got us to believe she and the beast shared something was good. A tragic love story between woman and simple beast.

Dirty Harry
Clint Eastwood movie, I had never seen a Dirty Harry movie before. It was good, and made me laugh in its self satire. Self conscious Tough guy movie. Set in SF if I remember. The bad guy was sorta good stealing the bus full of kids.

Deathwish
Alright film about revenge, sorta. The hero never takes equal revenge, rather he becomes a vigelante. I wanted to see Bronson get angry, very restrained movie, perhaps that’s what they were building.

Joe.
I had only seen Peter Boyle in the Dream Team and the other hunter s Thompson movie with bill murray. He was good in this and it was fun seeing him and the main character partying with the hippies. The most memorable line in the movie though was the girl who says, “If you want it so bad, you can have it.” Good ending.

Nashville
Good, a couple scenes were slow. The song the blonde guitarist plays was good and the last song the crazy woman sings was also good. Lilly Tomlin ruled in a part shallow enough to be generalized but deep enough to be felt. It was nice hearing so much country.

Wolfen
Good. Urban decvay is the real star in this movie. Gregory hines is funny doing the post Richard pryor thing. Albert finny, did he play uncle albert? I forget. Basic idea is hippy as shit but the wolf parts are cool, If I had a band I’d name us the wolfen. One more animal to add to the list.

Burnt Offerings
Karen black horror flick, reminded me of the shining sorta or just any haunted house yarn. Father drowing the kid was cool, suspenseful but anti climatic ending.

Woke up with with $7 in my pocket. Damnit. Sold back the cd label maker and sony headphones and now have 40 bucks in my pocket. Bought a blanket for 1.60. Talked to Johnny the cowboy who plays on 16th and south van ness. Been listening to Neil Michael Hagerty’s first album all day. Its got this organ spine running through it that reminds me of basement dance parties. That yo la tengo song is in my head a lot too. I wanted to say something but something tied my hands. I have a plan to go to amoeba and buy those two Fleetwood mac albums for $1 each. Ive been wanting them, I cant see finding them much cheaper.
Went back to thrift town and tried to return the light brown blanket for the yellow one. Un successfully. Yellow is much better. Went to the main library picked up Sybill and Let It Blurt- the lester bangs biography. Rode to the mission bay library and discovered its closed Mondays. Rrr. Rode back to market street stopped by Rasputin where they had Funny Ha Ha for 5.95. got a call while smoking up. Start the job tomorrow. I still want those Fleetwood mac lps. Funny haha ruuules. It's a gray day today.

holy shit I'm in trouble.
(plus i thought it was friday.)

This past weekend was really fun. I'm gonnna try and recollect all the things that happened but even with a stomach and slight hang over all day tuesday, it was definitely worth it.
Friday - We decided to watch the meteor shower at 4 am. Woke up and went to Bernal Heights or Hill or whatever, saw

Saturday - I got woken up by Anne and in the shower and off I go to a thrift store on Valencia where she looks for some clothes and I for something anything cheap n good off the dollar rack. We
Sunday

yawn

i feel ive been so busy the past couple of weeks with this job. despite no money, ive been trying to keep a solid head. today i get paid. hopefully it will relieve some o the stress. some pot would help too.

Day Two

Its a combination of a lot of things that are making me feel eleven times better than I was say a week ago. For example, right now I am sitting down in the employee lounge of the ARC of San Francisco, where I now work, eating a brownie and drinking a cranberry juice, which I just Bought, and sorta basking in the moment. Yeah, I bask. maybe its the longsleeve shirt or the courderouys but im feeling sorta warm in a slightly cool breeze. I just heard one person scream out "Scooby Doo!" or something that reminds me I am more accustomed to craziness than normality any day. Day Two started off with a bowling game. Kimmy and I combined both our groups up for a grand tournament. Thomas thought he had it in the can but this guy Left stole the whole game with two strikes putting him over the top. I am a sort of aide type to four people, all who were these today. I feel like I am taking too much time on the computer so I will continue this later at home.

and

as it happened, i did stumble upon a job, and now with about three or so years of avoiding a permanent workplace, i have again found myself with the option of growing up. its a scary predicament to find yourself in but still gottago with it. bottom line is its midnight and im feeling a bit more secure in my choice lying here in the dark. the cd i started playing hours ago is still spinning around now playing the R's. rainer maria. "goddamnit!" i think sickness perhaps took my energy away cause im feeling a bit better i can feel already. even at this late hour. im excited to go back to bed. i was having another good dream. i forget what it was but i was wandering around. i like the idea of this job. i like how im gonna be paid to basically be me. i would probably learn a lot yelling at kids but it also sounds sorta stressful. im looking to minimalize that sort of thing. i more or less said goodbye to the raving record store owner too. some more good choices. unneeded negativity. my internet weaves in and out. they have this free internet thing here (in sf) that i sent away for. i want to give my self a massage im feeling so congested. i hope the results turn out ok. im hearing digital pops and clicks from this cd. i cant believe in three years ill be three zero. that is a crazy concept, three decades of life not so old but thats enough time to say know what Kind of cold it is. i was thinking about linear thinking again as it applies to the listening experiences of older and younger kids. ipods and the like are a nonlinear listening experience, and i wonder how that affects someones position on a band. i am going to wonder what it will be like to read this tomorrow. i wonder where my honesty's gonna leave me. red. black. hope.

i dont know what im gonna write

Today has been alright, pretty mellow and I just got to the mission library to reedit this cover lettr ive been meaning to give since the beginning of the week. I feel like its sort of long but at the same time it has everything id want it to say in it. In fact, in my humble opinion it sort of needs to say more. i read it over and over again and reword things but have yet to find a paragraph or section not important. i feel like maybe i should talk about the specific job more but perhaps i can do that if an interview is given. maybe this can serve as a good introduction to why i Should be hired. what are cover letters really for anyway? no seriously i dont know. i think i passed by john dwyer on the way here and i cursed myself for not stopping but my mind was on printing this thing although i do wanna know when the ohsees are gonna be playing next. doing it the second time is almost more fun the than first cause you know exactly what you need to do. i cant wait to do it a second time, im gonna fuck it real good. i can already see the curtains slowly opening the seas are slowly parting and im right where i wanna be. whats that position in baseketball where you have ike three different moves you can do, neutral maybe? you can pass shoot or run or something. i always try to stay in that position even when i fuck shit up i just go with it and end up back in that position. and always im ready for the next move. here i am, pep ralley of one. its a nice day out, i was whistling pavement on the way here. just a job i am so close.

so close

Im on the brink of something I can smell it. Although I've been outta the job for awhile, unlike last drought I'm actually taking some action, and making things happen. Slowly. Slooooowly. I gave out myrsume to some local businesses, one job is checking my references, another just emailed me saying there might be an interview in the works. I've been reminded never never never to say anything cause usually it just ruins it. Like jinxes whatever might happen. Right now Im in the SF library, getting ready to print out a cover letter that looks a little long but hopefully not too longwinded. I wonder how attractive I am to jobs. I wish I had some money saved up at least during this period. Bah, Im just happy Im finally going after something permanent. I get daily news from M about whats going on in her perm job, sounds nice to bury yourself in something you care about. Ah those were the days. I wish people were like jobs, my resume's good I tell ya! I could write a cover letter that would knock your socks off. I got $5 to do laundry with. I like having fun for free. So fuckin fun Ive never laughed so hard. I dont think thats so bad. Seriously. Been playing a lot of music but got a note on the door where we've been playing from my neighbor down the hall about how everything in the rooms the landlords. What does he know. Mind your business old man, your time is up. Ive got a new song I've been working on for the past week or so, today it turned itself into a song about a cat i once knew. Very fitting. Maybe, I'm sorry to leave you baby. I like the lyrics I wrote after thinking of them in the shower. That shower I tell ya, treasure trove of bullshit.
I feel like Im using what time I have on this computer with sound as much a I can. I havent heard my songs in awhile so they go on first. I really want to record the new song but Id say maybe another week or so to make it just right. I like how each new song is another challenge and theres always one part about it thats an improvement rather something learned new. Im into learning new things everytime. I get bored by shit so easily it never happens. I feel like Ive been reading less and so after I go back home and finish the application for this other job I will read some. Friday night was niiice for awhile just sitting at home record on reading: peace. just gimmee some peace haha. Theres this guy who just walked by who reminds me of this guy who roamed around downtown boston I think he named himself the Captain or maybe he was some kind of Father like religious. Lieber and I talked to him some and recorded the conversation where he told these horrrible jokes. Then we took the tape and made a dance song out of it using Cool Edit. I wish I had my old computer back, the Woody Allen Love and Death sampled song is on there too. Damn thats some old shit. I listened to our cover of 'Baby, Dont Forget My Number' the other night , fuckin funny. I like how it ws played on a guitar with only three strings. Fuck complicated music. Sounded good to me. The other night after I got home I listened to a tape of pdx when tom came to visit and we were all in the car. There was tape of a carnival. I miss cool people. This coming weekend looks like it will be real fun. Im hoping for some money or maybeeven a job to celebrate it with! Once I get a job, and hopefully one with a decent schedule I think Im gonna split. HELLLL YA! And all me. DIY bitches. I truly believe anything is possible. I just think it takes a lot of time balance, theres gotta be balance. and you gotta keep your eyes on what you WANT. I feel like everytime Ive tried a little I get a little back. Life can be predictable like that. At first I was like what fun is that? But then I realized you can fuck life real hard if you just know how to work with the forces. Im glad im going after jobs I care about and not just bullshit jobs cause I feel like for me that would be a waste of time.
This citys opening up too. Ive been getting into a lot more activites and plans to do, and itll get even better with money. bars are starting too look sorta interesting. biking around is always fun drunk and playing music is one of my new favorite things again. "i got nothing cept these gold teeth and my cigarettes." SNAKES. PREDATORS. $$

The closest thing to a pause button during life is taking a shower.
I was gonna open this one [entry] up by saying how much I enjoy going into the bathroom not knowing if it's gonna strike me to take a shower or not. It's the impulsiveness in such a context that still gets me. So this particular time I decided to jump on in. And in there, I thought about some things A had brought up. This is huge reason why I like hanging out with A, I'm always left with these hypothesis and situationals to think about: nature/nurture, tall or short, old and young - its good food, and I'm into eating. I was once told "etc." was sort of rude to put at the end of a list, or at least that's how I took it, how "etc." sorta means you don't care or don't remember the rest. I sorta believe that, but I also don't care enough to either. That right there, is my excuse for a lot of things. I was just gonna state a declaration but I think unless you're ceceding from the Mother Country, declarations don't do half of what they say. Words or actions? These are the things I think about a lot. I'm gonna declare something now: I hope this bit of writing will be a good place to practice balance.
Tom Westfall sent me a text message today that said , I'm at work , call you later. THAT is something new. Ha! Awesome, way to go Tom!
You think writers are the ones with the ultimate power?
When it comes to who we really are, through jobs homes cities, are the writers the ones with the wielding power who make the stories from all the nonsense?
I have found that in my naiveness I make believe I know but I don't.
I like not knowing and I like putting myself out there. I 've been influenced by others actions and nonactions, I want to do the same for others. I think I've been clouded for a couple years and it may take a little longer but I think I'm gonna come outta the tunnel a little wiser and confident. It just takes me a longer time than most. I may be quick but I'm also slow. I remember now why I make in the first place. to create to connect to create.
I dont mind my mind for everyone to see. And at the same time I want to save some for the select few. I think this is a good place to practice, I declare.

With my window ajar, the breeze from the outside keeps blowing in and leaves me slightly chilly. But it's a good kind of cold, the kind every once in awhile I miss from back East. But then I realize I think I'm more in love with the memory of the Cold Breeze than the actual frostbitten feeling you get against your cheeks as you seek shelter somewhere - anywhere - when you're months deep in winter or even late fall. Although, it is sorta nice. I know Im taking this metaphor too far but these days I'd rather shed it and just be. I think it's impossible for me to write an entry that is entirely objectional, as much as I'd like to. Spell check says "objectional" isn't a word; is it?
For now I'm just gonna use words, I've gotten a good reaction to the pictures and words entries but for now, I'm gonna use just words.
I have this tendency to avoid things, to get right up the edge of the cliff then make a hard right, or wrong really. This sort of thing seems to happen a lot. (See Above.)
Right now, Hank Williams is playing on my tv. There's this option on the computer where you can burn a cd as a "data cd" and it'll play in your dvd player, which I am taking full advantage of. I burned all these songs from the past year or so. I am realizing most of these songs as one unit reflect an entire era. Mp3's, 2006. but really with wings of 2005 and 2007 on either side. It's similar to reading the old journal entires I wrote on my trip to Peru, sometimes you gotta walk back down memory lane to see who you are Now more clearly.
I've also been reading a bunch,
*Junkie - which led me to
*The Letters of William S Burroughs 1945 - 1959 and
*With William Burroughs A report from the Bunker

*Wuthering Heights (book on tape- unabridged) which led me to
*a plethera of sex books but also was influenced by M gettin a job at Good Vibrations which is this sextoy shop.

The Letters of William Burroughs came at just the right time too because I've been slowly writing a few letters to friends, very slowly, but just the act is enough to make me interested and inspired again. I feel like my tastes and processes are reciprocal. And in turn, both of these interests have influenced my music and songs. New lyrics now pop up in my brain which are much closer to what I'm thinking these days than the sugar coated easy words of safe love songs.
In 'With William Burroughs', we are let in on different tape recorded conversations with Burroughs and other guest interviewees, perfect reading for me who's attention span is that of a disinterested student. Susan Sontag even pops up in one of the discussions and her point is really provoking. She talks about how love is one of the least motivating influences in art and creating. How writing (or creating) out of anger rage and dread is faster and in some ways more pure. I was really excited how someone else thought these kind of things too (I had taken the idea to the physical realm, but still), and/or that they were thought out loud. My favorite quote concept from the discussion: Love takes third place.
It's true.
In the same book, we also are given admission into a discussion in which Burroughs says, "All past is fiction." It's a simple concept but important in my eyes. "We think of the past as being something that has just happened, right? Therefore, it is fact; but nothing could be further from the truth." Facts are just editorial decisions subject to our moods and minutes. This coincides with another concept I remember from high school history classes, "History is written by the victors." Those who win, write the past. I was even reminded of a quote in the movie JFK, "[What is] past is prologue."
Reading old episodes from when I was 24 gives me a window to who I was, and who I've become. Id like a few other people to read these episodes and it may be the influence, but as I read them I felt as if I was reading a precursor to a known destination - end result. Which made it even sadder, sort of like the Star Wars pre-quals. Everyone knows he's Darth V, and we're just sitting there watching it happen. Its actually presented as entertainment! But we all know; it's gonna get really bad. But we read on because we wanna see, we're curious how it came to be - hopefully in an effort to divert our's from the same path, but also and maybe more truly for a deeper darker reason. So too is the case in Wuthering Heights. At the beginning of the book, we see the outcome of of the entire story. The Ending is right there, it's there as soon as Lockwood enters Wuthering Heights and sees Cathy, Heathcliff, Hareton, and Joseph in their dark estate of affairs. Heathcliff has won, but won What really?, and they're all pawns in his game that is now over.
But as in Star Wars, it is not over. It doesn't end with Heathcliff triumphant because Cathy and Hareton, as does Luke, choose a different path. All is not regulated to cyclical destinies. There is the option for movement, we have been allowed this. We have been born with brains to grow. I try to water and feed my brain as much as I can so it does not become a static thing, so it does not become a solid entity without room to grow.
More later;

I'm back! It's On! The internet, i mean.

Just in time too, cause
1) I got no job
2) I'm gettin inspired to write again, not in here but on a typewriter, but here's good practice.
3) I've been reading a bunch of books and old journal entries -
4) Writing will help the songs.

5) I'm ready.

Two new songs finished, well one of them brand new and one of them older and finally recorded. the first I think I'll call 'Guilty', and the second one is my old friend Edward Appleby. I'm thinkin of changing that title though. I'm listening o the Halo Benders right now and the shit ruules.
I wish I could use words better.
I'm feelin old again, I miss the old folks I knew and the way we were bored so we came up with somethin new.

Today is Tuesday

My art flows in and out of me , the influences and the haphazard twisted versions of these influences i call my own. Most recently, I have been on a recording kickkk!!! Three new songs in two days. Im really into the newest one I guess I'll call Underwater, last night I finally got down to the nitty gritty and recorded Oregon Trail! and a week or so ago a song called Top Secret!
Pro-duc-tivity in Action.
I've also been listening to these nonstop when I get home, courtesy of the San Francisco Public LIbrary !!



the shit simply RUULES. theres this guy from the folkways records comp Richard "Rabbit" Brown who is killer. i wish i could get my hands on these records but im sure theyre all out of print on vinyl. ive beeb watching documentaries on benjamins, franklin and gibbard from death cab or cutie. Franklin was slightly more interesting. I watched this documentary on these Japanese mountain climbers , i wish i knew what it was called. i could probably go to tvguide.com or something and find out. Today I wrote a cover letter for a job I've been wanting for awhile now but have just been too lazy to do anything about. Until today, so let's hope. This is right after I hung up on my mom cause she was trying to say it was my fault she never called. I am not havin this, I think it was actually a good step for me, standing up I mean. i'm gonna try and watch this movie if i dont end up in the hands of something else like recording.

[insert image of Ingmar Bergman Makes a Movie here]

Leah is herre! I sent her a message tonight - shes got a blackberry - wondering if she wanted to go to this girl group night somewhere in the mission. she was busy but we have plans for thursday! I said it was carazy we were in the same town again.
i just put this record on

damnnnnn. this is what ive been missing for so long, another record courtesy of the SF library. why even bother listening to the crap of now? well i guess theres some stuff but guess im from the olde world too so i beg my pardon. i cant wait for some money. im gonna buy cdrs and record all these onto cd until i can find myself the records again. i would neveer steal a record from a library, cds only and one particular book on tape that no one was checking out anyway i checked. if you forgot to return it , is it really stealing? more music should be free, at least records since so few people listen to them, its just another bonus for us nerds.
i cant wait to get back to being a record nerd. i'm sure there are others around these parts.
one more crucial part is missing as well, the green $$$$$. all in good time.
some rice, some crannnberry some movie, some record, who the hell said i was broke?

Yesterday was... Thursday

A couple days ago we ended up finding my roommate Steve, he was in his room. It wasn't good. It was actually pretty bad. The first night was sorta scary, even for me. For those of you who don't know what my apt looks like there will be more pictures but simply, my room's the one of the right. I called Mandy that night and she had just found out her grandma had passed away. The same grandma I talked to when I went to get my yellow bike. We talked till late and she stayed on the phone with me when I was imagining things. I fell asleep with the lights on and the tv on loud enough to block out the 'house sounds' of the night. The next morning I woke up gray and got a phone call as I tried calling my mom as the phone died in my hands. Minutes cost money. It was Mandy. She left work and we met at 24th st, where we met in October last year. I got mcdonalds breakfast. She watched. We went back to my house and...









I am so grateful we are after so much.
I will be there too.

My roommate Jennifer just left the apartment. My other roommate Steve hasn't been heard from for two weeks, Gene still lives at the end of the hall. I'm feeling niiice, quiet, and peaceful. I also cleaned my carpet so it's nice to know the place doesn't smell like complete ass anymore. Gettin back on track; standing, slowly.

Yesterday was... the Weekend!

Hello!
This weekend pretty much ruled. It began with fun and ended with a new song! It's been so long since I've recorded anything, it makes me happy to know I can still pull it off, and all this time hibernating hasn't worn away the things I like about it. This time around, sound was a key element. In that simple mic placement and turning those knobs on the amp were very important... I think.
So let's work backwards,
Sunday, was the big work day, well for a few hours, making this test song for two people to sing on and also recorded a third draft of Oregon
Trail, which, even if it's not usable, is still a good second start. I realized how important it is to keep "taping". It gives me a sense of accomplishment and, even if I can't share it with the rest of the internet, the most important part still rings true - it helps me feel confident. If my computer worked, I'd add the test here _______. But it doesn't, said sadly.

Saturday, started with a phone call to/from T. Westfall. Talked a bunch about the general state of our affairs, I miss my friends from back home. I miss my acquaintances too, sorry acquaintances. In a way I feel lucky to have pit-stopped in Binghamton, NY, in that now I have some friends there too. For those of you who don't know, I stayed for a year in this place
called Binghamton, NY. It's sort of a quiet run down factory town, the kind only the North East could grow. Lost in the wilderness of Upstate New York.

ANYWAYY, Saturday Morning Tom Westfall Weird Beard hardcore : the call. Then another call and I'm off! We rode to get the car and some kind of meal. I brought my tunafish sandwich and enjoy that and a coke while Anne ate some tasty soul food by the sea. Pictures aplenty.

After lunch,
we go for a drive

and head to the ocean.
Where we stopped at this olde Bathhouse Site... .
But continued onwards , south. Really going nowhere smoking pot people watching in traffic, ah the life, again. With the bikes on our back the longer we were on the highway the less it seemed like we were gonna be able to ride them. So we turned off a random exit to turn around and ended up right in front of some kind of park /walking path which also served great for bikes too! So out of their seatbelts come the bikes and Bam! We're off again,


Riding up down, in out, past dams, trees, people, along with the insanely good weather I felt like I was biking through a painting.

After it was all done, and we rode uphill for about 26 hours, we decided time to go back the way we came. So we did. A drive home and into a thrift store where we found two organs ( pic not available) which we played on for a year or two. I wished for a tape recorder. Or to take one home with me. Not just yet.
We ended the day going back home and watching a lil bit of one of my all time favorites


that's a day.

Friday was another big photo day. I went out for a bike ride to try again with a camera with batteries this time and went to the sea and piers to take pictures.



After the work day was over I got a call and made my way to 16th street where some guitar and drums and a quick ride to Best Buy led to later plans. A digital camera and we're outta there.
In the night, after charging the camera's battery, more pictures taken during a walk around The Mission.




After a late night of picture taking it's time to go home and sleep. This entry feels like it took a weekend to make! (which it sorta did in one way....ugh) And I'll leave you with these, for when I arrived home I saw my street not at peace, but in even more turmoil...

home sweet home! "Good night" gene, "good night" crazy lady, "good night" jose...oh yeah...
well,

Yesterday was... Wednesday

Hello!
Today is Thursday but yesterday was Wednesday. Today I am up and watching
.
Yesterday I got my tooth pulled out of my head. Despite my request earlier in the week to keep it and make a necklace out of it, alas, it is gone. But I'll always have the memories...
.
"Now it's time to chilll" with my good buddy, fentanyl.


Then I came home and let the drugs wear off , at which point the PAIN started...
"Ouch !"

I slept for the rest of the day, then Anne came over and we ended up watching more

Some pizza & beer, music, and good-night!

this is a test too

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Yesterday was... The Weekend!

Friday




Saturday






Sunday




fun.